The Great Debate: Working Mom vs. Stay-Home Mom

The Journal of Family Psychology published a study back in December (when I originally intended to address it) that determined stay-home moms are more depressed than working moms. First of all, this is a very sensitive issue. Nothing divides a room of mothers faster. So before I tell you my opinion, let's agree all women are different and everyone has their own parenting style. Perhaps the results of this study are true for some, but don't start pitying the stay-home mom just yet. It is my opinion that today's society doesn't respect women who choose to stay home and their depression, if any, is a reflection of that. I think some working men and women see stay-home moms as irrelevant— sitting at home on the couch watching their stories and eating bon-bons, right? In this "everyone goes to college world," both men and women are raised to believe everyone must have careers. We value status and money so to stay home is a failure of that. And there are so many working moms today that everyone begs the question: why wouldn't a mom work?

There was a time when women were not expected to work— money was for the man of the house to worry about. Women were supposed to make babies and raise them while taking care of the house. But now women's aspirations successfully go beyond the home, in fact, it's expected. For all the work women did to be accepted in a "man's world," they now have to explain themselves when they make the alternative choice. Stay-home moms receive raised eyebrows because it's not considered ambitious.  I think it's more often women who do the eyebrow raising, as if staying at home is a slap in the face to feminism. But isn't scolding women for making this choice anti-feminist? The operative word is CHOICE. I've witnessed conversations where people— working women— rolled their eyes about moms who stayed at home after earning various degrees or having flourishing careers. I understand it seems like a big waste of time and money, but if a person wants to be close to their kids, let's not knock people for that. There's always the option of going back to work later. I experienced some confusing responses when I shared the news we decided I would quit work and stay home.

My husband and I agreed that my staying at home with our son would be best for our family. The decision to even have a child was a very serious decision for us. We knew it was costly to raise a family, but we felt strongly that if we were going to embark on the journey of parenthood, we had to do what was best for our kids. For us that inevitably meant one parent at home. We agreed that if we could afford it, it was the best way to be active parents.

I realize this may appear to be a judgement on those who choose to work. I certainly do not mean it to be. I understand that many kids go to daycare from infancy and on and are just fine. If anything, those kids learn to socialize and gain independence sooner than the stay-home parent kids. However, stay-home parent kids get attention and parent involvement that the working parent kids don't always get. Not to say working parents aren't doing their best, but you have to concede, the working parent just doesn't have enough hours in the day. That's not what we want for our children. All kids work at their own pace and just because I'm home doesn't mean our kids won't be social and independent all the same. There's always play dates and babysitters! I understand some parents have no choice and must work to support their family, but the benefit of staying home outweighed any benefit of daycare for us.

Another thing I realize is some people need  to work. For some it provides a basic need— a goal to work toward. Some people would simply go crazy being stuck inside the house all day with a child to entertain. Some people love it. It's important for a parent to be happy with what they are doing. I struggled at first with being home only because I spent several years working full-time. And before that, focusing on how I would need to be working. My entire identity was wrapped around work, whether it was a job I loved or hated.  It was something to talk about each day. I think that's natural. You spend most of your waking hours at work most days of the week. You see your co-workers more than your own spouse.  I trained myself to think I needed to work even though I always thought I wanted to stay at home when I had children. I bought into the idea that you have to work to be useful even with a family. I was surprised when I struggled with the decision to quit, but was so relieved when I decided not to go back. I realized I was still useful— more so—but in a different capacity.  It's wonderful to be able to focus on your child without a job to distract you and fill your head with other worries. I know going back to work would have made me feel nutty and wishing I was home. Sometimes I miss the interaction at work. The conversation. And some of my relationships have started to fade because I no longer have work in common. It can be a difficult trade-off for some. I am happy with my choice. I know, your job is so stressful and important, but so is being a parent. And a  parent never "clocks out" whether they have a job or not. Staying home gave our family the comfort of flexibility.

So that brings me back to the mixed reviews I received about quitting work. My thought was how could anyone not think it's great? I think the answer is either jealousy or believing the propaganda that everyone should have a career. No one said to me that they thought it was an awful idea, but I couldn't help but notice the hesitation in some responses or the defensiveness in others. Don't get me wrong, many friends and family were very supportive and I thank them for that. Perhaps I misunderstood the hesitant responses. Maybe I was projecting my paranoia that people would think I was a failure for quitting work. Either way, some responses were less than enthusiastic.

No woman should be made to feel like a failure for choosing her family over career. I think family-focus is something that's been lacking probably since women hit the work force harder. It's not fair, but I think it's true. And before you think I am being anti-feminist, hear me out! It's only because no one stayed home in our place. I think women are carrying the weight of finances and family more and more and there is resentment over it. They aren't necessarily happy with it. Women wanted money and respect and now that they have it, they resent the men who failed to do better. Or perhaps men feel emasculated by the new found power in women? One theory suggests men have been relaxing more (less work) over a period of time while women take on more. Maybe that's a topic for another time, but it's interesting to think about.

Working or not working— there's no right way. Good parenting requires balance. And that's all we can do.

Apologies For My Lateness.... Bring On 2012! And How Do Parents Cope With News of Child Predators?

I apologize for my lateness or rather absence from my newly started blog. I could give you my excuses, but they are not very interesting. Let's face it. I got lazy.

I promise to bring you my take on a study on stay-home and working moms published back in December when I originally intended (and started) to write about it. In the mean time, can we talk about what is going on with this elementary school in California? You can catch up and read here.

It is my nightmare realized. I know you're not supposed to live in fear of the world and hide your children from it, but how are we supposed to defend against this kind of stuff? Sure, you can talk to your kid at what age? As young as three? Tell them about what is proper touching and what isn't and tell mommy and daddy if something weird happens? That seems to be all we can do! The rest is a crap shoot. It really seems like dumb luck if your kid manages to escape the clutches of a sexual predator. I don't know how we're going to know who to trust in our children's lives. I want them to live life and enjoy school and sports and all the things kids do. But every time I turnaround there are news stories about a teacher molesting students or a coach using a camp to rape boys. How do parents stay sane and keep their children safe without hiding them away?

I suppose the answer is talk to your kids. It seems like it's just so hard to know who you can trust. I'm sure one thing you can rely on is your instinct as a parent. Predators don't exactly where signs, but you know when something strikes you as odd. I hope we manage to get a message to our kids about what is OK and they at least understand without being freaked out. I've heard that it's better to talk about it because it's the best way to protect them and it really won't scare them. They take note and move on?

Having kids certainly brings new challenges! And our kid isn't even one yet, but here I am, worrying about schools and the world.

Lookout for another post very soon!